Trennen Verbindung

[Ellie]

This poem is a deletable commodity,
a failed attempt to cry,
a cautious running after myself,
trying to catch myself with words
and put me in a lexis box so I don’t
hurt people any more
through the failings of my imperfect mind

Read,
but if I fear your reply I’ll hide behind my laughter
And you’ll never know
How friends become enemies so easily,
and how I keep the door open anyway
Letting all the arrows deep within
In hope that one will find my heart
Or put me to sleep….
Perhaps to dream

Tight around the corners
Strongholds are illusions that allow us
to dream when we should be weeping

Stark silence,
watching with a closed mouth as lives
built on clay slip downhill
in the evening under a beautiful sunset
They wouldn”t listen anyway
And now it’s time to go to sleep
And find out what a dream is
Perhaps to dream
Perhaps to dream
Nightmares are the cure
Perhaps to dream

The problem’s in the solution and I know I can’t turn back now
Time is God’s
I’m just a sparrow
Hoping that one day
I’ll be simpleminded enough

To fly

Ignoring
gravity’s long drop
Overthinking, undermining

Headaches are a bitter reward for tears and toil
When they all turn away
And I’m left with the knowing
That none of it was for me

What do you do
When you base your identity on everyone else
And then let them slip away….

I gave I’ve given I give, I keep nothing but empty hands and the willingness to fail
It’s easy to give when you hate the things you make
Idols of imperfection and a jester’s crown
Tumbling like there’s no tomorrow
Watching you behind closed eyes and closed curtains
I feel overflowing with this stubborn flash of useless energy
Build it up and I’ll tear my life down
Right before your cautious, uncaring eyes
Watch me fall again, don’t help me up that’s not your duty
Don’t make me feel like I’m still a page behind
I hate the way I stumble whenever I look at the stars
I hate the way I miss the bus when I stop to hear a blackbird sing
I wasn’t meant for a fast world
Sleep’s better than a stressfully fantastic day
I feel I need more stuff, bowing to the idol of acquiring more ways to scream that I’m alone and hurt
And every night I just want to watch my sickening mass of buzzing dry oddments burn
and run to you for one last hug
Before I sleep
Perhaps to dream
Perhaps to wake to snow that’s ten feet deep
Perhaps to find a windowsill rainbow and be surprised by sunlight’s touch on my virgin arms
Perhaps to dream of spiders and of falling
Perhaps to dream of laughter and of flying

I WANT TO BE ALONE FOREVER
It’s forbidden, I’m connected in too many ways, free of guilt is an impossibility,
That’s how I know I wasn’t allowed to be a child
Because it was this way as far back as I remember
I still have the same
wants and joys
as you

but they’re tainted by accountability
for problems I never meant to make,
I’ll take all the guilt if you’d leave me alone
to find out new ways to escape from thoughts of you
Pretending to sleep
is a silent way to run away from home

I built my mind
on silence and feeling
when I had no one to talk to
I built my joy
on creating and seeing creation,
letting others’ creativity spur my own

And now:
“You need to talk more, I don’t know what you’re feeling”<br>“Use words, I can’t sympathize unless you use the same phrases as everyone else”<br>“stop showing off, you should only make music/laugh/cry/paint/listen/read when you’re alone and no one can hear for twenty miles round”<br>“socially unacceptable in all the subtle ways that show you’re not paying attention and thus don’t care when I laugh at you”<br>“be yourself only when alone”<br>“never be alone”<br>“withdrawal is forbidden but with us you’re on a leash”<br>“you’re too focused on what you’re living, you should be more disconnected and aware of everyone else”<br>
They mean what they don’t say

So I say what I don’t mean
Hoping that it will connect to the correct answer in their list of right and wrongs I never fully figured out
I don’t think they did either
But I live by those invisible rules that guard me like acid ropes,
scarring me when I try to dance

I want to be alone where the streams run over tumbling stones
That laugh the way I used to cry
Before I found that there was guilt there too
Manipulation is an awfully big word
But I understood
And now I understand

When I am myself I am running away from all the words
they might cut into me
I am a master of speech and subtle turnings of literature
But I fear your scorn and biting words above all else
They fill my mind like tumbling rocks that I can’t stop

Without hurting myself

Silence is golden, the only hurt is when I try to explain myself to you
Good intentions are lost in the translation from impulse to frantic apology
I sometimes wish I never learned to
speak
or use my hands
or look you in the eye to see the bottled up things
you’d never say but are screaming
through waves of heavy
breathing into my opening mind
like shards of glass through a broken
window

This blooming flower has her petals picked

one

by

one

In an effort to find out who’s in love
and who is loved
And who is lovable yet
alone

Waiting to fall asleep
To remember how to dream
And forget the troubles of the day
Let them eat themselves, I

want to be

whole without cold biting nails clawing
into my soul
as I measure myself against
the perfect
and the pride
you hold as trophies

And I tear myself to pieces
Just in case there’s one more word left inside
That I can give you, a gift I gave I’ve given
To make everything fly away
So we can laugh like for real
And I can sleep in peace
For once

[Largo LeGrande]

Verbindung is a funny word ;D

The rest of the poem is full of feeling and emotion, its pretty good. Though it might have been easier to read if you had chosen a style and stuck with it... rather than try and use all of them.... changing styles can be cool sometimes, but too many can make it seem a litle messy.

It did offer a good inside look, which I guess was its purpose, it does that well But I guess I'm saying it could 'sound' better.

[Ellie]

lol... It wasn'T really meant to sound pretty, for once. The other piece does that. And Trennen Verbindung means ''cutting off the connection'' in German.

[Largo LeGrande]

hehehe, people who invented the german language had no idea how funny German computer nerds would sound. ^_^

And it DOES get the message across, but some fluidity and pretty soundingness wouldn't have hurt.

I do still feel compelled to give you a hug though! ;D *hugs*

[Ellie]

lol

[ShadowRune]

wwoooooow! longish! ja!
tis niceyful and kewl! 0.0 and really longer than I could ever manage, and and I likededed! twas like several different stages all in one! 0.0 ;D

[Ellie]

lol! Yesh... this is what happens when I take a feeling and try to stick it on paper by means of words.

[Vacancy]

I hate styles. They are the utter worst, they force me to stay with one way of writing per peice, perhaps with rhyming, but if there is rhyme, make it all rhyme in the same way. Perhaps no rhyme, but then be careful not to rhyme, because if you do then you'll lose the flow of it that came with non-rhyming and read it, and everyone else who reads it will think, 'this whole poem is one big mistake.'

All because of one freaking rhyme. >.<

[Vacancy]

Um...ok...that was a bit of a rant.

I liked the poem El', keep it up! ^_^

[Ellie]

Emily, you rant very eloquently. And thank you.

[Vacancy]

elo-who?

[Ellie]

eloquant means expressive, roughly...

[Vacancy]

oh.